In the wake of Quiet Quitting movements and bare-minimum Mondays, companies of every size and in every industry are beginning to recognize the importance of building a safe and supportive workplace culture. It makes sense: a growing body of research has shown that a toxic culture can lead to decreased morale and lowered productivity, which in turn can prevent an organization from retaining talent, growing revenue, and scaling.
The question many leaders find themselves asking, though, is how. How do they create an organization where employees feel free to talk through disagreements, share differing points of view, and show up authentically as themselves? How do they foster an environment where team members can safely navigate conflict with each other? How do they minimize disruption and maximize productivity in a culture like this? And, how do they prevent issues between co-workers from spiraling out of control?
If you’ve been asking yourself the same questions, I want to give you the answer we give many of the leaders we work with: it all starts with creating a relationship-centric culture. If that feels like nebulous advice, don’t worry. By following a few simple steps, you can build a culture where conflict becomes constructive dialogue, so everyone in your organization feels safe to discuss sensitive subjects. That in turn will naturally increase morale, create belonging, and drive productivity and innovation.
Let’s walk through it together.
Tension Isn’t Always Bad
Before I get into the steps, I want to share one very important thing: tension isn’t always bad. If your employees have bottled their feelings up for a long time, there’s a strong likelihood they may initially erupt when they’re given the space and support to talk about how they feel.
We encounter situations like this all the time when our clients start this work: more voices start to speak, which means more issues start to surface. Don’t think of this as a negative. Instead, learn to see it as a sign that progress is being made. Bottom line, while they may initially feel uncomfortable, these kinds of responses are actually what builds organizational capacity to dialogue about difficult topics.
As a leader, it’s important to help your employees understand this point, too. If folks start to get agitated, angry, frustrated, or withdrawn, draw compassionate attention to it. Ask them if they notice and feel what’s happening. Then, remind them you can all use the steps I’ll share with you to relax, get unstuck, and start moving forward again.
One other point before we move on: as a leader, you have to get comfortable with the idea that problems can’t always be resolved with a single conversation. Keep in mind, though, that by regularly practicing the steps I’ll share here, you can reduce the long-term negative impacts unresolved conflict has on your employees and your organization.
Start With Self-Regulation
Now that we’ve laid the foundation, let’s talk about the steps you can use to build a relationship-centric culture so you can better retain talent and boost productivity. Remember, to be effective, you should use these steps yourself, and coach your employees through them, too.
The first step is to self-regulate by recognizing what’s coming up after something triggering happens. It’s often helpful to think through a series of specific questions when going through this step: What’s happening in my body right now? What do I feel emotionally? What story am I telling myself? Am I unsafe? Or uncomfortable?
By taking the time to stop and reflect on these questions, you begin to create a culture where people learn to consider challenging situations from a different perspective. This means people can explore what they’re feeling, rather than simply focusing on what the other person said or did.
Sometimes, of course, the emotions are too intense to sift through right then and there. That’s okay; revisit them once the heat of the moment has passed, and hold space for whatever’s coming up before moving on to the next step.
Dig Deep and Find the Root Issue
After everyone has had the opportunity to recognize what’s coming up, it’s time to dig deeper. To be more specific, it’s time to interrupt.
Interrupting provides a way for all the parties involved to address what happened and get to the root issue. A great way to do this is to ask non-blaming questions (and to do so from a place of genuine curiosity). For example, the person who felt triggered could say, “When you made X comment, it made me feel Y. What did you mean when you said that?” Asking questions like this opens the doorway for compassionate, authentic dialogue and allows both parties to explore what happened together.
As you work through this step, be aware that there are some common dialogue diversions that tend to occur. These include guilt and shame, disbelief and denial, defensiveness, deference and withdrawal, and/or problem solving. Reactions like this tend to be isolating for everyone involved. So, if they occur, ask everyone to pause, self-regulate, and recognize their initial reactions. Then, guide them to interrupt using non-blaming questions and active listening so they can hear what’s being shared.
Stay Engaged by Repairing
Recognizing and interrupting are foundational for successfully navigating uncomfortable conversations. However, there’s one more step required to build a truly relationship-centric culture where people feel safe to express themselves. This step is repairing.
Repairing is all about staying engaged and building cohesiveness. Whether you’re coaching employees through this process or practicing it yourself, it starts with asking one question: How will you keep learning and challenging your preconceptions? To answer this question, consider what follow-up conversations are needed, how the affected parties plan to signal their commitment to repair with each other, and whether or not anyone else needs to be involved.
Repairing isn’t about “letting people off the hook.” It requires accountability, thinking about what expectations need to be created (or reaffirmed) to move forward, and defining processes for ensuring those expectations are met. However, repairing isn’t about being punitive, either. Remember, the aim is to create a compassionate and supportive culture where everyone feels safe to work through issues and discuss conflict. Staying engaged, accountable, and supportive is key to achieving this goal.
Keep Practicing
The real power of these steps is that they can be applied in a multitude of scenarios. For example, if an employee experiences a belittling comment or a microaggression, this practice can help them address it in real-time. You can also set up regular meetings where you all come together as a group to address any issues between team members before they erupt into full-blown conflict.
These steps are also a great way to start general meetings. Set aside a few minutes to check in with attendees and see how they’re feeling. Are they stressed? Frustrated? Anxious? Exhausted? Relaxed? Whatever they’re feeling, invite them to talk through how they might be able to self-regulate so they can dig into the root issue and repair it. Making it a point to do this will help people get in the habit of recognizing their emotions. Depending on what comes up, go a step further and invite them to ask questions (i.e. dig deeper).
These steps aren’t just for general meetings; to keep relationships front and center, consider incorporating them into all of your meeting discussions. For example, let’s say you call a meeting to discuss a brand-new organizational policy. Rather than just telling your team about the policy, invite them to share their initial thoughts, emotions, and perspectives about it (recognize). Next, ask what perspectives they want to share about the policy (interrupt). Finally, if applicable, make a decision based on all the input shared (repair). By consistently making space for employees to safely share their perspectives—and, of course, truly considering those perspectives—you’ll foster greater trust and collaboration throughout your organization, and make it far more likely that team members will stay engaged and practice innovation and teamwork.
Bottom line, once you’ve seeded these steps into your organization, you will find that employees begin normalizing self-regulation. With ongoing practice, they will automatically start interrupting and digging deeper. And, as they learn to repair, the culture of trust and cohesiveness you’ve been seeking will begin to take shape throughout your organization—which will lay the foundation for safety, belonging, and compassion by ensuring your employees feel seen, heard, and valued.
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