One day on a trip to our local secondhand store, I stumbled upon two great finds. First, a 1983 version of Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior, by Judith Martin. And right next to it, The Art of Happiness, by the Dalai Lama and Howard C. Cutler, MD. At first glance, they couldn’t be more different. The Miss Manners book clocks in at a hefty 711 pages, while Happiness is only a fraction of that size. Yet both help us better understand human emotions – our own feelings, as well as how we make others feel. And from this perspective, both offer valuable leadership lessons.
Why Do Emotions Affect Our Work?
For years, I’ve studied, coached, and led leaders. And one common question often comes up: Why is our work so profoundly affected by the way a leader makes us feel?
Many people let their emotions about a manager dictate their behavior. They focus on how they feel in response to a look, a comment, or a performance review. This, in turn, affects their work engagement, their performance, their self-esteem, and even their home life.
Clayton Christensen’s powerful and thoughtful narrative, “How Will You Measure Your Life?” addresses only half the equation – the “how.” But what about the “why”? When I picked up these two books, they couldn’t seem more different. So I was surprised to find that they both have a lot of wisdom to offer about why feelings are an integral aspect of every work experience.
Emotions at Work: Internal and External Factors
All of us feel strongly about work interactions, especially with our leaders. Think about meetings that went in the wrong direction. Who hasn’t been admonished at some point? Perhaps you wished you hadn’t said anything – or said something else, instead?
The Dalai Lama tells us most people have good intentions. Yet, humans are sensitive. As Miss Manners notes, “Adults worry endlessly about the judgment of their peers and can be thrown into agonies of embarrassment by trivial transgressions of conventionality.”
One Example:
My client, Emily, faced this kind of challenge. She teared up at a team meeting when discussing a significant organizational change she was spearheading. Others’ reactions caused her negative inner dialogue to kick in, so she couldn’t focus on the topic.
Her manager, Jan, quickly grew frustrated because Emily wasn’t moving forward with the solution she was presenting. But this response only compounded Emily’s poor performance. Soon, Jan grew short with Emily. The meeting dissolved and their communication became uncivil.
Afterwards, Emily felt berated for showing her emotions at work. As a result, she became nervous about speaking with peers and upper management.
Naturally, negative emotions affect what we say and do next. Imagine all kinds of “inner talk” going on at a meeting while no one is communicating about the actual topic.
This dual reality happens during every meeting. There is an outer world of individuals who are participating at the meeting. But at the same time, there is an inner world of humans who are experiencing the meeting.
What Would Miss Manners and the Dalai Lama Do?
Miss Manners focuses on “at the meeting” dynamics – behaviors that make others comfortable. Think of it as the “grease” of social interactions that moves discussions forward. On the other hand, the Dalai Lama focuses on what makes the self comfortable. He is interested in the experience of the meeting.
Simply put, Miss Manners helps with practical strategies that guide social behaviors, while the Dalai Lama emphasizes how we manage our internal selves.
But what if we could apply wisdom from both of these sources, simultaneously? What if we could practice creating an outer world, while cultivating an inner world that promotes compassion for ourselves and others?
What if we could apply this to the case I described? How would Jan and Emily feel and experience each other? If everyone is outwardly civil but inwardly critical, we will only realize half the possibilities – and vice versa. We need to practice both, if we want to create a peaceful inner world and a productive outer world.
How Leaders Can Lift Emotions and Reduce Suffering
Of course, an organization is more than one simple meeting. It’s a mini society, fueled by ongoing, complex interactions. And creating this collective civilization depends on how each of us as individuals manage our emotions – our own “suffering” – as well as how we treat others.
After watching and coaching successful leaders for so many years, I notice that the best teams are built at this intersection of kindness to oneself and others. They create positive social interactions, and their team members have positive inner dialog.
What Would Miss Manners and the Dalai Lama Do?
By blending wisdom from both gurus, we find four powerful practices that can harmonize inner and outer experiences, while improving overall physical and mental wellness:
1. Cultivate Positive Interactions, Reduce Negative Emotions
Many studies confirm that positive social relationships improve health. We’ve also seen a recent rise in discussion around the importance of emotional and physical wellness at work.
A positive work culture discourages a rudeness spiral. As Miss Manners says, “When rudeness begets rudeness, which begets more rudeness, where will it all end?”
Similarly, as the Dalai Lama notes, when we are “frustrated in our efforts to achieve love and affection,” anger and violence arise. Clearly, these behaviors can be destructive to individual and collective health and wellbeing.
2. Respond, Don’t React
According to the Dalai Lama, we increase our pain and experience unnecessary suffering by being too sensitive and overreacting to minor things. But there is hope. Buddhism asserts that how we respond to a situation can decrease our suffering.
However, as Miss Manners suggests, this does not mean we should blindly accept whatever comes our way. For example, if we’re asked intrusive personal questions, we can simply say, “I’m afraid that is too private for me to discuss.”
Miss Manners knows that insults can be hurtful. But she cautions against reacting. Instead, she recommends choosing to respond politely, directly, and appropriately.
3. Rethink Ego, Practice More Generosity
The Ego is everywhere we look – in selfies, social media, and television. On the surface, it feels as if all of us are self-absorbed, and this is the prevailing attitude. For instance, who hasn’t had a leader who seemed obsessed with their own ideas, their own needs, and perhaps even looked to the team for validation and adulation?
If we look at human motivation from that context, we might conclude that everything is based on self-interest.
But Miss Manners tells us that manners and compassion are not about the ego. To her, “Assertiveness, looking out for number one, and other systems for the dissemination of rudeness are abhorrent.”
In contrast, looking out for those around us increases our own feelings of purpose and happiness. Leaders who are driven by a feeling of compassion put their team’s interests ahead of their own. The greater good comes first. This creates a culture of generosity. And this environment encourages everyone to contribute their best efforts.
4. Reduce Image Inflation, Practice Modesty
Miss Manners challenges the idea that focusing on self-image leads to happiness. Instead, she suggests that true joy comes through modesty. When we puff ourselves up, we cut ourselves off from learning about others. Our minds are less open to inquiry – which we know influences innovation and creativity.
On the other hand, when we practice modesty, we assume we don’t know everything. This causes us to look beyond ourselves for information and insight.
Humility is not as popular as it once was. Yet, according to the Dalai Lama, it is an undervalued positive trait. “Inflated self-confidence can be…hazardous. Those that suffer from an exaggerated sense of their own abilities and accomplishments are continuously subject to frustration, disappointment, and rage.”
However, as leaders, we can focus less on our image – that inner talk of how well we perform – and instead promote and listen to others. Coincidently, this creates more positive outcomes for us, as well as those around us.
How These Practices Improve Work Emotions and Outcomes
Now, let’s reimagine that meeting with Emily and Jan. What if everyone decides to practice these four principles? What if everyone realizes they don’t know all the answers? What if they’re open to hearing others’ views? What if they choose to speak kindly and with confidence? What if they decide to feel safe, even when discussing the toughest issues? And what if they remain focused because, above all, they’re concerned about addressing each other’s best interests?
What would that meeting feel like? What would it feel like to work in that kind of organization every day? Thinking back to my client, Emily, and her peer, Jan – what would be different for them?
I can answer that question, because I coached each of them in applying these four principles.
With Emily, I focused on 1-3, and with Jan, I emphasized 3-4. Emily needed to rethink her inner dialog, respond to Jan rather than reacting, and understand that Jan may be reacting to something else in the environment, rather than Emily (ego).
For Jan, the key was understanding that it’s fine not to know all the answers. Also, it’s important to practice compassion for Emily, who bears the brunt of this organizational change.
Four simple practices helped these two leaders manage their emotions and work more effectively. They can help the rest of us flourish, as well.
It’s important to be aware of our approach to others, ourselves, and our leadership practices. When we do this consistently over time, we can create an environment that reduces suffering, practices compassion, is civil, and productive. Ultimately, this achieves what we all want – for people to do their best work.
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